You Are Dead by Andrew Stanek

Author:Andrew Stanek [Stanek, Andrew]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Humor
Published: 2015-11-10T22:00:00+00:00

Chapter 16

Director Fulcher regarded Nathan severely from over the polished top of his frightfully clean desk.

“I am beginning to think that you are suffering from a point of confusion, Mr. Haynes. You may be interested to know that the average life expectancy for someone living in your country is more than seventy years. You have died three times in one afternoon.”

“It’s all been very interesting,” Nathan said brightly. “I got to meet a badger.”

“Yes, well, unfortunately for you, our little game is nearly at its end.”

“Are we playing Monopoly again?”

Fulcher held his head in his hands.

“There is no Monopoly involved,” he said. “No Monopoly.”

“Operation then? Do you have one of those gameboards with the little buzzers?”

The director took several very deep breaths.

“The point is this. We have nearly filed the forms necessary to declare you insane in the mandated dodecduplicate, at which point I will have power of attorney over you and be able to sign your 21B on your behalf. Then this will all be over.”

“Oh no, I don’t think so.” Nathan smiled genially. “I have this note from my doctor that says I’m not insane.”

He reached into his pocket and found that although he had died the note was still there. He handed it to Fulcher.

Fulcher read it with a deepening frown.

“You were examined?”

“Yes. He took a PET and an EEG and told me I was A-OKAY.”

“Who is this man Dr. Vegatillius?”

“He is my doctor.”

“Is he a medical doctor?”

“He’s an art historian.”

“Blast.” Director Fulcher stared at it furiously. “But this isn’t adequate,” he announced at last. “It doesn’t say that you aren’t insane, just that your brain damage doesn’t render you insane. You might still be insane in one of the usual ways. That, Mr. Haynes, is what we in the business call a loophole.” He grinned evilly.

Nathan was nodding.

“Oh yes, I already know about that. But the last time I was here, you said you’d read my file and found out about my brain damage, and decided that was the reason I was insane. So I suppose you have prepared all of your paperwork assuming that is the cause of my alleged insanity.”

The smile vanished from Fulcher’s face. He suddenly looked very grim.

“Touche, Mr. Haynes. My hat is off to you.” A large top hat materialized on his head, which he briefly took off before it disappeared again. “However, the evidence speaks for itself. You must be insane. What other possible explanation can there be for your repeated deaths? Your reckless disregard for danger? Your stubborn intransigence? Your awful dress sense?”

Nathan looked down at his clothes. He thought they looked fine.

“You have bought yourself a few hours at the most,” the director continued.

“Oh, but you can’t have me here for a few hours,” Nathan replied. He felt he was catching on to this whole bureaucracy thing. “I might sue you. I’ve already been attacked by a badger on your premises.”

Fulcher sat up very stiffly. “I think you will find that is wholly the fault of the badger

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